A Brief Encounter With a Customer

The Following takes place between 3pm and 3:20pm on a Thursday. It is an interaction between an elderly deli customer and myself. I will present it in the form of a script, the roles being Man (Me) and Woman (The Customer). Enjoy.


Woman: (Yelling across the counter) Excuse me, I have a question!

Man: (Busy finishing up a project for another customer) I’m busy right now. You just stand there and wait for me. We’ll rendezvous shortly.

Woman: (As the man circles around the counter to meet her on the floor) This turkey… (She holds up a previously cooked, refrigerated turkey breast)…This turkey is cold!

Man: I’m sorry?

Woman: (She holds up a bag of salt and pepper chips which she is in the process of devouring. Crumbs litter her lips which are blued from a lack of proper bloodflow) These chips, they’re salt and pepper. (She shrugs and chip crumbs fall to the floor) Um, this turkey is cold.

Man: Well that’s because it came from the refrigerated section over here. (He walks her over to the cooler where she grabbed the turkey breast) You got it from here?

Woman: (She looks at the Man as if she’s seeing a human  for the first time) Ah…Yes. Do you have hot ones?

Man: (He walks her over to the hot chicken case, which is over flowing with fresh cooked chickens, but there is only one hot turkey breast remaining) Yes, they’re here. (He grabs one from the case and hands it to the Woman) You got the last one.

Woman: (Looking the turkey over) What’s it seasoned with?

Man: It’s not seasoned.

Woman: So who seasoned it?

Man: No one seasoned it, it’s unseasoned.

Woman: You’re very nice.

Man: Thank you. You’re the first person to ever tell me that.

Woman: (Thinking hard) Mmhmm. So you don’t season them?

Man: That’s correct. We just brown them in the oven.

Woman: But it’s so brown?

Man: Yes, as I said, we brown them in the oven. First we cook them, covered in foil for an hour and a half. Then we cook them uncovered for about thirty minutes, so they brown up real nice.

Woman: They’re so moist, though.

Man: Yes, that’s because we cook them under foil for an hour and a half. It keeps the moisture in.

Woman: So when do you season it?

Man: …

Woman: It’s so brown.

Man: I promise you, we don’t season it. It’s never been seasoned. There is no seasoning on the turkey.

Woman: (staring at the Man) Uh huh. Is it good?

Man: Yes, it’s very good. They usually sell out as soon as we put them in the case.

Woman: Can I freeze it? (She licks more chip crumbs from her lips)

Man: Yes, you can freeze it. Just like left-overs.

Woman: Has it been frozen?

Man: No, we cook them and then put them in this hot case.

Woman: Oh. Did you cook this today? (She holds the turkey breast package up for scrutiny)

Man: Yes. See the time written on the side? (He points to the time stamp on the side of the turkey 2:15pm) That’s the time it came out of the oven.

Woman: (Looking at the Man, again like she’s seeing a human for the first time) Yeah…Are these gluten free?

Man: No. None of these hot foods are gluten free. We do have an entire line of gluten free products over here in our cold cuts.

Woman: (Peering over the Man’s shoulder) Oh. Over there? Do you have turkey over there?

Man: Turkey cold cuts? Yes, we have lots of different kinds, too.

Woman: I don’t like the man over there, with the ponytail. He’s crazy.

Man: Yeah, sure.

Woman: (Digging for more potato chips) So, if I wanted a turkey breast that was gluten free?

Man: We don’t have those.

Woman: So I couldn’t order one?

Man: No.

Woman: (Holding up the turkey again) I can freeze this?

Man. I already…Yes, you can freeze that.

Woman: Is it good?

Man: Yes, it’s very good. You should take it home right now.

Woman: (Through a mouthful of chips) Ok. Bye.

Man: Have a nice evening.

Woman: So it’s a good turkey?

Man: Yes, very good.

Woman: But it’s not gluten free?

Man: No, it’s not gluten free.

Woman: (Mulling it over) Okay.

Man: Okay.

Woman: I’ll take it.

Man: You already have it.

Woman: Okay.


One thought on “A Brief Encounter With a Customer

  1. Very funny, Matt and kudos for keeping you cool! I don’t know if you have heard about the podcast I am doing, but this is exactly the kind of humor we are shooting for, and we’d love to have you on the show one week to recount some of your stories! Mull it over, write a few more posts, freeze a few turkeys and get back to me!

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