How To Deal With Telemarketers

Hello, all, and welcome to another exciting week! I don’t know what, in particular, is exciting about this week, other than it’s another week. We’re all still here, and if you’re no longer with us, we’ll miss you.

I wanted to start off the week by sharing some fun I’ve had with telemarketers in the past. I honestly miss them, I’m on the National Do-Not-Call Registry now, so I don’t get these little moments with them anymore. So, without further ado…

 

RING, RING

Me: Hello?

Them: Yes, hello. I’m calling from Dayspring Educational Loans to talk to you about an opportunity…

Me: I’m not interested.

Them: An opportunity to finance your education for much lower interest rates than traditional loans.

Me: Well, I’m not getting an education, so that won’t be necessary.

Them: But what if you decide to go to college.

Me: I won’t.

Them: Do you have any friends?

Me: What? Yes, I have friends.

Them: Maybe they’ll convince you to go to college.

Me: No, my friends and family know my wishes and respect me enough not to do that.

Them: I think you should get this loan, just in case.

Me: But I’m never, ever going to go to school!

Them: When you do, you will be glad you have this loan.

Me: It’s like I’m saying “apples” and you’re hearing “oranges.”

Them: How much can we put you down for?

Me: I want to speak to your supervisor.

Them: You can’t.

Me: What the fuck do you mean, I can’t?!

Them: I don’t have a supervisor.

Me: So you’re just calling people from your basement?!

Them: No, I’m in a warehouse.

Me: Well, as long as it’s nothing creepy.

Them: Sir…

Me: I gotta go, it’s been fun.

Them: CLICK

 

RING, RING

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello, I’m calling from Marcus Home Security of the Northeast.

Me: Yes?

Them: We are new in your market area and as a way of getting our foot in the door; we were hoping you would allow us to put our signs in your windows. In exchange, we’ll give you a free security evaluation.

Me: Oh. OK.

Them: Excellent. Now I just have to ask some preliminary questions to get us started. What kind of home do you own?

Me: It’s a cardboard box.

Them: Excuse me?

Me: I live in a cardboard box. I lost my home.

Them: OK. And how long do you plan to live in this home?

Me: Until it rains.

Them: CLICK.

 

RING, RING

Me: Hello.

Them: Hello. We have information that your car’s warranty has expired.

Me: Oh? I didn’t know.

Them: Yes, sir. What make and model car do you drive?

Me: So you know that my warranty expired, but you don’t know what car I drive?

Them: That’s correct sir.

Me: Well, I’m sure this is all above-board. I drive a 2005 Wayne Enterprises Tumbler.

Them: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think I caught that.

Me: (lowering my voice several octaves) I’m Batman.

Them: CLICK

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