Hello, all, and welcome to another exciting week! I don’t know what, in particular, is exciting about this week, other than it’s another week. We’re all still here, and if you’re no longer with us, we’ll miss you.
I wanted to start off the week by sharing some fun I’ve had with telemarketers in the past. I honestly miss them, I’m on the National Do-Not-Call Registry now, so I don’t get these little moments with them anymore. So, without further ado…
Them: Yes, hello. I’m calling from Dayspring Educational Loans to talk to you about an opportunity…
Me: I’m not interested.
Them: An opportunity to finance your education for much lower interest rates than traditional loans.
Me: Well, I’m not getting an education, so that won’t be necessary.
Them: But what if you decide to go to college.
Me: I won’t.
Them: Do you have any friends?
Me: What? Yes, I have friends.
Them: Maybe they’ll convince you to go to college.
Me: No, my friends and family know my wishes and respect me enough not to do that.
Them: I think you should get this loan, just in case.
Me: But I’m never, ever going to go to school!
Them: When you do, you will be glad you have this loan.
Me: It’s like I’m saying “apples” and you’re hearing “oranges.”
Them: How much can we put you down for?
Me: I want to speak to your supervisor.
Them: You can’t.
Me: What the fuck do you mean, I can’t?!
Them: I don’t have a supervisor.
Me: So you’re just calling people from your basement?!
Them: No, I’m in a warehouse.
Me: Well, as long as it’s nothing creepy.
Me: I gotta go, it’s been fun.
Them: Hello, I’m calling from Marcus Home Security of the Northeast.
Them: We are new in your market area and as a way of getting our foot in the door; we were hoping you would allow us to put our signs in your windows. In exchange, we’ll give you a free security evaluation.
Me: Oh. OK.
Them: Excellent. Now I just have to ask some preliminary questions to get us started. What kind of home do you own?
Me: It’s a cardboard box.
Them: Excuse me?
Me: I live in a cardboard box. I lost my home.
Them: OK. And how long do you plan to live in this home?
Me: Until it rains.
Them: Hello. We have information that your car’s warranty has expired.
Me: Oh? I didn’t know.
Them: Yes, sir. What make and model car do you drive?
Me: So you know that my warranty expired, but you don’t know what car I drive?
Them: That’s correct sir.
Me: Well, I’m sure this is all above-board. I drive a 2005 Wayne Enterprises Tumbler.
Them: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think I caught that.
Me: (lowering my voice several octaves) I’m Batman.