Alex Trebek took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to sit with me and talk about the importance of Jeopardy in pop culture. We met at Jack’s Oyster House for drinks.
Matthew Scully: Thank you so much, Mr. Trebek, for…Um…What happened?
Alex Trebek: I’m Sorry?
MS: It’s okay, were you attacked?
AT: I’m not following. If this is going to get weird can we get something strong over here. (he calls the waiter’s attention)
AT: I’d like your best scotch, and keep an eye on this table. Don’t leave me with an empty glass.
MS: Can you believe it? A national treasure, gone.
MS: The man’s face is naked as the day he was born! Can’t someone please get him a scarf or something?!
AT: (grabbing the waiter’s sleeve) Make that a rush order. (turning to me, smiling) I thought we were going to talk about Jeopardy for your little blog?
MS: When did this happen? Maybe we can still save it? We can get it on ice!
AT: I shaved off my moustache 13 years ago, you moron. Can we please talk about something else?
MS: I would never shave my goatee. Ask me why.
AT: Where the fuck is that waiter?
MS: Well I’m glad you asked, Alex. If I were to shave off this goatee, I resemble a grown Cabbage Patch doll; it’s freaky.
AT: (as his scotch arrives) Uh huh. Go on. This is so interesting.
MS: You’re not listening to me, are you?
AT: Not even a little.
MS: Do you treat Ken Jennings like this?
AT: I have a restraining order against Ken Jennings.
MS: He was stalking you?
AT: Oh, heavens, no! (relieved to have moved the topic off facial hair) I get restraining orders against all the contestants, no matter what.
MS: That seems kind of like a dick move.
AT: Well these people, they begin to worship me as a deity. It’s really so sad for them. (finishes his scotch, waves for waiter)
MS: Are you sure? You’re just a voice with cue cards.
AT: (throwing his glass on the floor) PAT SAJACK! SAJACK USES CARDS! I LEARN THE MATERIAL! I MEMORIZE EVERY QUESTION AND EVERY ANSWER!
MS: I think you mean every answer, and every question.
AT: Oh, fuck off! (to waiter) Where’s my scotch, ass face?
MS: Wow, you’re a mean drinker, huh? Me too! I once told…
AT: Hey, tubby, nobody gives a shit about you. (to waiter, again) 30 seconds, you have 30 seconds to get me a scotch, then I’m going to bury one of these glass shards in your cerebellum!
MS: So, anyway, I told my best friend’s wife she had a huge vagina. For no reason.
AT: Ha. That’s such a great story. Let’s create a whole Jeopardy category just for that: INANE SHIT NO ONE CARES ABOUT!
MS: Is this why you don’t have a Vanna White? Because you’re an asshole?
AT: You wanna know something about Vanna White?
MS: Yeah, sure.
AT: She’s got a dick. (the waiter runs up with a scotch) That was 45 seconds, I should gut you.
MS: Let’s not.
AT: (to the waiter) Thank tubby here, he just saved you.
W: Thanks, Tubby.
MS: Yeah, don’t mention it. (to Trebek) So when are you going to grow the ‘stache back?
AT: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! (stands, kicks his chair across the room. rips his shirt open and pours his scotch down his chest and belly. the waiter runs out, joined by a few colleagues, and Mr. Trebek clotheslines them all like Keystone Kops) This interview is OVER! (Trebek runs to the front windows and leaps through, throwing glass everywhere as he does. he slugs a mustachioed passerby as he runs down State Street)
MS: Well…I’m not paying for this.